--» Behind My Smile x0

Gee. Look at that

2009-04-07T19:14:29Z

I sure do take long gaps inbetween uodating my life for the silence of the vast internet we find outselves mixed amoung every day. Thats okay though, I'm bored at work so why not update.

Well, I went back to school! And its totally kicking my ass! But its hard work will pay off in the end, unfortunitly I'm wishing the end was already here. Because I'm so physically and mentally exhausted I don't know what to do with myself half the time. On top of trying to do school I want tohave a life and see my pony and oh LORDY do I have tons of art projects to get crackin on because EVERYONES having babies!

Except me! For a good reason, Id get kicked out of the program! But Jessie and I do have real plans for the future to get married and start a family. We'll set the real gears into motion once we're home from the cruise to alaska and school is finished for both of us! thank god! I can't wait. I think about it all the time, and I just wish it was here sooner rather the later.

I love him. Whole heartedly and I can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together. Hes perfect in a multitude of ways. And I bet Id never find anyone else who could treat me any better. So we'll see how long it takes but I'm hoping in the next two years theres a ring on my finger and were looking at houses! ( and getting another pony for hiiim) ha

I'm working on things with Francine, Steph and I are going riding regularly. I don't see Niko Much, CLINTON"S HOME on US soil again, but hes deffinatly changed since Iraq. Thats life though right, people grow up and change and then who ever is really left is who's only supposed to be there? Well I hate that for the record. I wish we could all stay together even though we go our sperate ways.

Gotta finish up work here so I can go home and study for yet ANOTHER test!. Joy. Well, Sianara.

Dudek

OH LORDY

2008-08-08T05:23:17Z

Where to begin. I enjoy pooring my heart out to random strangers who probably don't read this journal. which works for me. because its better then my head over flowing with random strange thoughts.

I was originally going to get on here to say How i'm smarter then comcast because I finally fixed my computer. Without internet for the last three months has been slightly difficult due to random bills and such needing to be paid. but .... again, I fixed it all better!

I finished school. Did my extern. Got a real job!. Pulmonary, Critical Care, & Sleep Medicine Associates. Its an awesome job, I love only working with three people, and not getting in trouble for taking a phone call or going to the bathroom. FUCK BRIANS. officially.

Now its off to school again, in October. I THINK. I haven't fully decided yet, because I feel like I'm between that rock & a hard place where I dunno what to do with myself. I want to continue education, but at the same time I'm worried about telling my new job. Shucks. Real life is hard. Its deffinatly not like high school where you show up, make some teachers happy, and part on the weekends after work.

People can be harsh. Noted: That high school kids are the absolute worst. I was just talking about this with co-workers and such. Its amazing how people who don't know you can be so critical and knowledgable about who you are and how you spend your time.

on better notes. Jessie and I are doing amazingly well. We are happy. Celebrated our one year, and are moving forth at good speed. Every day gets a bit sweeter, and I have hope that the future is holding a beautiful round something, and an even larger commitment. I love this man. Fully. He has every once of my energy, respect, attention, and inspiration. Hes been there for me in more ways then most people.

Especially since I feel as though I'm in the process of losing all my best friends. Francine is gone. shes changed, and fucking oblivious. clinton is doing a tour in Iraq. and after Niko's attempted suicid and by some miricle fucking SURVIVED. hes ran away to his mothers in Arizona.

this happened on my birthday.

that 20th birthday, which Iknow is no 21st.. but its still up there. No longer a teenager, finally feeling like i have so much to take care of. you know. responsibility. gosh, who likes that stuff.

My pony is doing wonderfully. We kick ass in games still. Hes totally on his way of being completely decked out in lime green. and we might be getting him a permanant friend. Jessie's thinking about adopting a pony, so spend moooore time with me. ((see, hes a keeper. we share the love of ponies, and he says he loves my ambition of a lottery winning life. You just wait, we'll have it all)).

I'm just bumbed about the friend situation, and decissions about school, and gosh I dunno. whatever.
I see my Aunt tomorrow for lunch. I kinda hope my mom doesnt show up, because I need some quality time with a random person to spill my guys to.

and Rich better meet me for Breakfast on Monday. I need some serious rock out time, and maybe a few tear shed.

*sighs*
Heres to growing up, moving on, being happy with my man Jessie, and living life to the fullest!
♥

xosplatox @ 2008-03-05T23:58:00

2008-03-06T05:01:03Z

Just got back from having a real talk with Jessie.
Pointed out to him that he makes me feel like he holds going to the bar, or just drinking in general, more important then me.
and it went rather well. =)

date just the two of us Friday night!

School will be officially done in 11 school days! (two and a half real weeks)
goshhhhh, Im excited, anxious, nervous, and even a little scared to get this fun stuff on the wwaaayyyyy.

I can't wait for my extern and a real job!!!!!
So off to bed now.
Good news,
good days.
and my ass as even been going to the gym.
fyi, yay for tanning beds! I'm not as blotchy with the leppor print anymore!

♥

xosplatox @ 2008-02-25T20:51:00

2008-02-26T02:00:21Z

Here I am again. In this sense of longing. Longing for something to change, longing for that next chapter in life, longing to truly make something of myself. Almost as if I'm in a daze, my vision is starting to cloud over. This I find hard. Not truly clouding over, but I'm searching for something. Writing these words makes it feel so surreal anymore. I'm so close, I'm almost there.

Gosh, its been a while. A long time to look back on. Many memories have been created, laughs shared, and hidden tear streaked faces. To think on person could grow so much in such a short period of time.

I've had an old friends confess a dire love to me. Its a strange feeling. But it has opened my eyes, its made me really see. Its all official now, my feelings for Jessie. He's a little more then amazing, much more than perfect. Its downright love. I've come to realize I wouldn't trade the world to give up being wrapped in his arms. I don't seem to believe I could find myself happier anywhere else then right here, right now, with him. I feel safe saying there is a future with this boy. For real.

Just a note. I need a new phone && I can't wait to get rid of this dam NEXTEL! Few more months..

Which goes to the rest of my issues. Money. The true route to all of life's random issues. Finishing school and that real job is so close that it is screwing with my head. Bastards. Funny how my first bajillion pay chekcs are already designated and spent. Makes me laugh slightly. I just wish that I wasn't in such a pickle. Maybe if I can get one more additional extra job, I could be stable and comfortable. We'll see, I keep searching but can't seem to find anything. Go figure.

Now its off to more homework, maybe some room cleaning.... HA! Yeah right! I can't seem to manage to fit that one in. Maybe on friday night-or not- especially since i'm not allowed to hangout with the penis party, even though MISH is. whatever!

Keep following your dreams. Then two of us could have those real jobs and our ponies in the back yard. Unless your Ms. Rachel Guim. and you want to live in NYC and travel the world. ♥ you, ya bum!

♥ sighs..
....here goes nothin'

xosplatox @ 2008-02-11T20:44:00

2008-02-12T01:49:23Z

I am absolutely 100% in love with my boyfriend.

AND I TOTALLY DREW BLOOD FROM FOUR PEOPLE TODAY!!!

But, back to my amazing boyfriend.
Allll day Sunday we layed around in bed cuddling watching movies including; Dazed & Confused, The Green Mile, Gridiron Gang, && Wayne's World. Cuddling && smooching, and rubbing for real, and just be cute and warm and stuff together.

well, minus him throwing me off the bed and then landing on top of me. That part kinda sucked a little bit. But at least the rest of it was all good.

Especially with Christian keeping walking by and building a fake door out of hampers and plastic drawers because he assumed we were trying to have sex hardcore.

the best part, is we totally were!

HA. gosh. Love the boy. My boy that is, christian can go suck some ass or something.
but anyhow.
School's almost done this week. Finals on Thursday and then a weeeeeekkkkeeennnddddd aaaawwwwwaaaayyyyyy from life. Gosh I'm excited, trust me... you have no idea. I really Really Really Really am.
To be able to fornicate with my boyfriend as much adn as often and in any way I please. From the bed to theshower, back to the bed, and the shower again in the morning. It's going to be freaking amazing.... But besides all that. I will be able to fall asleep in his arms once again, and when I wake up, he will deffinatly still be there.
I really truely love this boy. No doubt about it.

and I will then be looking forward to cancun!
ALSO. Not to mentionnnnn
VALENTINES DAY. I will officially be considered the best girlfriend EVER.
Officially
♥

xosplatox @ 2008-02-05T22:53:00

2008-02-06T04:06:02Z

sooo quick update.
Saturday night I found the bar! Didn't get lost! && Trey's band was greeeeaaaatttttttttt.
Sunday I spent allll day running errands before the game. Taking the pony in the park didn't work so good. the bridle broke, he threw me into a tree, and then I feel in the creek. whatever, I'm over it.

Saturday night Jessie ran out of gas, and we never really found anywhere to eat, so we all ended up at Chik-fa-la.
ummmmmmmmm.
So the game was good, Jessie, apparently, informed me he was annoyed that a I booked a different hotel then the one everyone was staying at. Oh well, hes over it now, I hope anyway.
the game was awesome. we made money off the giants winning!!

the Mutter's museum was a bitch to get to, jessie sent us to the mummers museum, my mom then sent us in the wrong direction, and it was a pointless trip.
I then proceeded to sleep on the bathroom floor untill sixthirty am puking my guts out.
so i end up here. sick & miserable while my boyfriend is at the bar. again.
ANOHER LONG STORY. his best friend weston & the bar. oh weston hates me, and that i go to the bar iwth them. how gaaayyyy.

BUT the best part of tonight--Henery ordered me a TAYLOR JERSEY off ebay, cheaper, and the right one for a 75th anniversary.. SO JESSIE"S GETTING A VDAY PRESENT! whoot.

i'm fabulous now that ONE TREE HILL is finally on after the fucking flyers game.
whateverrrrrr

LOVE.
♥
My boyfriend.

♥♥

xosplatox @ 2008-02-01T01:06:00

2008-02-01T06:05:37Z

Jessie && I almost had a real fight tonight!
ALMOST.
then he came to his senses called himself a "retard" and admitted that I was right the whole time so i have no reason to be mad.

Then he rubbed me "for real" and showered me with kisses.

OHHHH how ilove this boy!
♥

ughhh

2008-01-31T02:23:29Z

Today was just the worst.

I get it. I'm just super stressed, PMSing, due to being on the brown BC pills, and completely stressed with money. I would have been caught up money-wise after this paycheck, if only it wasn't for those bogus tickets. I'm upset with myself for having got them, and annoyed that I have to pay them. Jessie has been great though all this. He has been helping me pay for things the pony needs because he knows I would disregard that ticket to make sure my horse got to eat that week. I love this boy to death. I'll admit it I have made it through some rough times on my own, but having someone there to hold me close and rub me "for real" when I'm feeling down has been whats helping me keep my head above water this time. I need to find a Saturday job for a couple hours. If I can bring in an extra fifty to eighty dollars more a week then I'll be just fine!

School is another story. I'm just so ready to be done with it. I'm ready to move on, ready for a real job, and for that chapter in my life. That chapter, with deep hope, still has Jessie in it... and the pony too of course!!

The pony is another stresser. Basically hes in what I'm going to call rehab. I have to make sure he gets lunged at the job/trot about three times a week. Unfortunately, with my schedule, easier said then done. I also bought containers to pre-package all his meals. I'm afraid he wasn't getting what I wanted with all the grain, stretchers, and supplements, sot his was my quick and cheap fix. We'll se how that goes. Hopefully by spring time we can see a difference and he'll be back to running barrels!!

I feel like I'm so ready to grow up it cares me! When I drive around and see all these amazing houses, you can find me day dreaming about the horse that I want! When i'm at the barn I'm always saying how I would change stuff if it was my place. Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying my life right now, Where I'm at the opportunities I'm given, the chances 'm taking, and the boy I'm falling head over heels in love with. I dont want to get ahead of myself too much here, but I know i'm happy, and my heart broke when my twenty-five cent ring out of the quarter machine at ACME finally broke after months of constant wear and hand washing at school. Still a little sore, but slightly mended, i look forward to when Jessie surprises me with a fifty cent ring. HA. It's baby steps we want here, remember?

But oh how I miss getting to fall asleep in his arms. ♥ One reason I'm looking forward to that snowboarding trip so much... as Jessie puts it "so we can make up for some lost time." Granted the sex in a real bed again will be a nice touch, but falling asleep with him is slightly higher on my list. Also another added bonus to our Cancun tripe. And even the beach trip for a weekend just the two of us. Gosh how i miss that.

[[ EDIT: I called him today completely upset about how stressed I was and he drove allllll the way over here just to surprise me iwth some cold stone ice cream. ♥ he must love me! ]]

For the record, I think I have done amazingly well adjusting to him being home. There is always food int he house! Healthy food at that! I get a real homemade meal for dinner once ina while, or else his parents take us out to eat, not to mention his dad is always buying me ice cream!!!! Honestly, its a deffinatly brought us closer together like he said it would. Oh and did i mention hot breakfast if i sleepover--just like if i were home! Kinda exciting that its working for us!!

My head is still being held high. y horse loves me, and knows i'm "mommy" Almost makes me cry when Patty points that stuff out to me! I've got a southern gentleman, who tries to give me the world, coming home to only me every night. I'm about half way done making a career for myself, and even though times are rough, I'm still standing on my own two feet. But on a serious note... What more could a girl ask for?!

Yeah, thats what I though;; nothing

Countdown tot he next chapter in my life:
---> about two hundred thousand more moments that take my breath away. And the butterflies at that thought lets me know they're going to be really good ones. ♥

This one is for you rachel!!

2008-01-26T15:58:37Z

So sadly, miss Guim pointed out to me that I haven't been updating in a while. Goes to show I really am too busy for my own good. I barely have time to finish the mundane tasks that I find myself needing to do every day, and yet here I am wasting a beautiful saturday monring online instead of being with my pony, oh wait THATS CUZ ITS FUCKING FREEZING OUTSIDE!

gosh. anyhow. Jessie has officially turn 21. It hasn't been a week yet, and I'm not hating it. I get those love dovey text messages at two in the morning, and that make me feel all warm and tingly inside. As i pointed out to Jessie, most normal girls would take this as a sign that he fucked up at the bar that night, but I know he's still coming home to me. Which, honestly, is probably why we've been working so well.

On to school. Its bogus, and I hate it. I am almost done though, which is supper exciting! Yay! I'm just getting frustrated with it! I did injections Thursday, and I didn't kill KIM, so thats always a plus, right? Besides figured its just like giving the pony's a shot. ONLY, they bleed more, so what did I have to worry about?!

I really do hate my place of work, but I haven't seem to have been able to find an option at the moment of leaving. Besides, I find it stupid to get a new job for only a little while. So I'm holding my breath and sticking it out. Aren't you proud of me?

Onto the pony news. Its sad news, and I find out tomorrow if hes going to be officially retireded. =( Patty is going to let me know what she thinks his issues are, and how we can solve them. If i have to retire my pony, I'm going to be a royal mess for a LOOONNNNGGGG time.

I don't wanna think about that though. So Anyhow I'm taking Jessie out to dinner and to the rodeo today for his birthday. Should be a good time, i hope so anyway, the tickets were madd expensive, and I totally don't have the money right now...

and why, you might ask, cuz I managed to score myself a $185 worth of tickets and points in Maryland last sunday. Lets not talk about that one either. sound good? Fabulous!

I'm off, to get change and freeze my ass off at the barnnnn. Mann do i miss my pony. I hope he still loves me today.

Later suckerrrsss
♥

GUESS WHAT

2008-01-06T00:41:51Z

The uterus is totally bleeding.
Thank the lord!

Yeah, yeah, i Know there are going to be those people out there that are going to be like "serves you right for worrying, you shouldn't be fornicating wtih your boyfriend" well, you know what, You may be right in one aspect, but The way I see it. I love the boy. And dangnammit, I'm going to fornicate with him as I see fit.

On to other news. I bought new scrubs today., Not that Im going to be able to wear them anytime soon, but Its exciting knowing the option is there. =)

&& now I find myself freezing in Jessie's basement watching the Redskins pour their hearts out and not seeming to be able to pull the win. But who am I to say that, they still have a minute fourty-six left to get two touchdowns.

ANYYYYHOOOOW.
i'm freezing and my fingers aren't registeringwith the correct keys anymore because I cant feel anything.
Oh yeah, and I need my nails done.
boooooo
♥

Please save me.

2008-01-04T05:25:30Z

So I've been nauseous and lightheaded constantly for the last like week or so. Not only is it making me feel all blahh, but it's annoying. Every other day I'm either ditching work or school to sleep ubscene amount of hours. NOT NORMAL.

Not to mention my back hurts. All classic signs of pregnancy one would say. Correction, many have said to me in the last week. Which is bullshit. I'm not preggers. && Hopefully I will be proving this within the next twentyfour hours. YOU HEAR ME UTERUS. start bleeding.

Ahhh, Christmas. Went well. The boyfriend got me a beautiful necklace that I LOVE. like, hardcore love.
&& not to mention Jessie has just been extremly cute lately.
Just with the things he's been saying && doing.
and the way he touches me.
and can we count the HOURS of foot massages I've been getting without ever asking.. once. =)
oh they make me love him even more.

So Its like 12.23 and I'm totally still wired.
I need to get more sleep, cuz I have a makeup day at school tomorrow. WHOOOT.
not..

PONY is good I guess... I miss him dearly, and I hardly have time to ride. But its because I'm trying to better myself to make life a but easier for the both of us.
And a news flash.. Jessie is gonna be part of that life.
As i was recently informed.
In a not so formal way.
But we'll let time prove that we're not crazy.

BED TIME.. AGAIN.
ughhh, bleed uterus, bleed.
♥

&& just for the record, my new years resolution is to want less sex then my boyfriend. WISH ME LUCK.

My boyfriend says I give too much head?

2007-12-20T02:35:59Z

I just absolutly had to share that.
One of those moments you had to be there kind of thing, but it was still funny.

CHRISTMAS IN LIKE SIX MORE DAYS!!
I can't effin wait mannnnn
i Love christmas.
I really just can't wait for Jessie to open his presents, cuz they rock and will make me the best freaking girlfriend in HISTORY.
score.
totally duude.

gosh I'm pooped, its off to bed for meeeeeeeeeeee
♥

Well

2007-12-18T01:50:47Z

few things:
-Totally didn't make it this weekend without sex. Instead, I gave in, and even slept over. weird honestly.
but we'll work on it again next weekend. =) christmas may put a crimp in things since he still has no door on his bedroom. It was kinda hott wondering if we were gonna get caught in the act though.

Deffinatly broke down today. I have so much work for school this weekend because of them trying to cram everything in before our break that I felt like I needed to take off work. Except I wasnt allowed to take off work, so i just started crying cuz i was over whelmed with school work, i miss my pony, and apparently my pony had no grain all weekend, and Kathy deffinatly didn't tell me until today. LIKE WTF.

its time for a shower//cry session and I"m sure i'll feel better.
if not, its always back to writting.

until next time.
G'luck with christmas bitches!
♥
'Licious

I'm not addicted to sex.

2007-12-15T21:47:34Z

&& I'm going to try and prove that. yet again.
HA
well see how tonight goes, cuz i did freakin awesome last night!

shopping with Kelc tomorrow! Score!
down time with my baby? well see if shnookums is up for that too!

my pony seems bored, but the weather sucks and we can't ride.

ahhhhhh, back into the coldness of winter to waste yet more gas.
=)

xosplatox @ 2007-12-13T14:11:00

2007-12-13T19:14:32Z

Oh boy do i need a shower.
like Hcore.
Hopefully that can happen TONIGHT.

anywho. Um, sexual activites can happen while everyones home. We so proved that last night. Which is nice. At least we know if we need to a quickie can be arranged! (( && at both our houses; imagin that! ha))

But ummm, looks like our alone weekend might be shot, since my boyfriend decided to spend seven hours in the ER Tuesday night, and then not go to work on wednesday money might be a smidgeon tight.

It happens though, I'm not getting my hopes up, but knowing that Jessie does everything possible to make me happy, it works out for me that I know he's going to try to do something.
=)

ahhhh off to the barn in the yuck, and then work. Joy.
♥
'Licious

Well, its going.

2007-12-11T04:27:04Z

Its been breaking my heart not having enough time for my pony. He looks at me with those chocolate brown eyes and I just want to cry. Not having the time to ride him, or brush him every day is tearing me apart inside. I just can't wait for that time in the future when he's in my backyard, an everything just seems to work out time wise.

On a better note, got Francine's present. Score! It kicks ass, enough said.
I'm going shopping by myself tomorrow. Hitting up a few places for some gag-gifts and some other little things I need to check out. Then it's shopping on Sunday with Kelc!

School is going great. I'm kicking ass in tests! sorta. HA.

Work has been going. I'm making more of an effort to stay there and get the dough. I just can't wait for a real job again. For the following reason:
a) I can make some real money doing a job I actually might like.
b) Time wise I would be doing much better, more time for the pony, Jessie, friends, and even just myself.
c) I can hopefully pay off some of my bills and bring down my credit card balances.
d) Not to mention saving some money and not having to live paycheck to paycheck would be awesome!
e) I CAN CANCLE MY NEXTEL ACCOUNT && GO BACK TO VERIZON. [[ cuz honestly, these bills averaging like eighty bucks a week is making me want to cry. =\ ]]
f) just getting the fuck outta Brian's would be just totally fucking awesome mannnn.

But on a better note:
-The work party was kinda gay, in the sense that we had wrist bands for being underage. Which, just ment we couldn't get served at the bar, but Jessie took care of me anyway. =)
-Nobody really sat with us, so Jessie & I were kinda on our own in the entertaining department, but I enjoyed that, it gave us some us time with yummy food and beverages that neither one of us had to pay for.
+ afterwards we went to this dive bar called Penny Gardens and met up with Weston, Damin, Mish, Kev, and some other people and totally had an awesome time.
+ Breakfast with Francine and her new boytoy Charles. Hes cool, i like him so far!
- Total fucking hang over from so much drinking & lack of sleep.
+ Awesome dinner @ Jessie's. I sure do love his Daddy's cooking.
+/- my room was clean, until it was destroyed so my dad could take out the air conditionar, and I went into cleaning mood... again
- My mom fucked up her ankle again. Don't ask.
+++++ Jessie && I are having a night to ourselves next weekend. I can't wait!

&& on a good note. I'm finally coping with the adjustment period, and it hasn't been too bad.
=)

♥
'Licious

SNOWWWWIIINNNGGGG

2007-12-05T16:59:23Z

ITS SNOOOOOWWWWWIIIINNNNGGGGGG ...again.

Now if only we can get a decent amount this time, and it actually sticks id be one happy little girl!
and ohhh how I can't wait to get my nails done again!
alasssss, girlieness can break through again.
=)

gosh I love him.
♥

He rocks!

2007-12-04T23:22:26Z

School wasn't so bad today. Things worked out well!
I just did so much writing, and I'm so totally not even close to being done yet!!

But update, my boyfriend kicks ass.
He knows i haven't had much time with the pony, and we were supposed to do something tonight. I asked him when he was getting done work and he just texts me "go ride your pony!"

gosh I love him.
now if only he'd answer his phone and we can have some smooch fest, I'd be a happy girl.

ahhhhhh, more homework!

slight rant before I head back to studying...

2007-12-04T01:03:53Z

So, lets say today was a shit day from hell.
I totally couldn't sleep last night, as noted in my previous entry, therefore I was late getting up this morning, which in turn made me late for the class with the bitchyest teacher.

She has scary eyebrows, enough said.

anyhow, I was marked late for arriving after 8:16, and yet on the board it said "test will begin at 8:15" and i was in my seat before she even handed out the tests. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT WORK?! whatever. wouldn't have cared so much if i didnt totally bomb the test. and Might i add, this was the fucking easiest test of my life. So lets not talk about it.

then the long day of not feeling good. stupid drivers, nasty cold fifty mile an hour winds, and actually to work on time we have the rest of my shit day. Where, once again, I'm yelled at and blamed for the fact that FUCKING MOTORCLOTHS has once again missplaced something, and its alll my fault. bitches.

i'm just sick of the crap at that place. Thank god the christmas party is this weekend though, because then i get to eat and drink delicious food and beverages all at the price of BRIAN. bastard.

I can't wait to get a real job.
♥

the new "me" that cant sleep;;

2007-12-03T06:11:15Z

So it's past twelve-thirty, right, and I should totally be in bed, so you would think, and yet here I find myself starting my Livejournal account back up? Not that there is anything wrong with me. I'm uploading pictures to m y shutterfly account so i can finally finish the book of London I started... when I first came back from over seas. HA.

I've been doing a lot of fixing myself. After my last post a few months ago stating that I had this 'moment of finding myself' things changed a little, but I soon came to realize its a much slower process then one would like to admit. After much hard work, long thinking sessions, and a few tears I've finally found the motivation to do something about it all.

For some strange reason I find myself cleaning out the crap in my room on an almost daily basis whenever I find the free time. Granted there is absolutely nothing wrong with this, just a strange adjustment for myself. I'm not too used to being a neat freak. Not that I'm anywhere near it... FARM FROM IT actually, but its a step in the better direction.

Along with cleaning up, I'm being more organized in general. I'm studying for school: well, most of the time. I'm keeping school things organized though. And instead of just creating one mess after another I'm putting things away initially in the beginning of a painstaking process. I clean up the dishes after myself instead of just leaving them in the sink.

All this comes due to the fact that I've had one relying problem on my mind: I'm ready to grow up. Now, when I say grow up, I mean in the sense of moving another step further with my life. School ending is at the tip of my fingertips and it feels as though its just out of my reach. I find this utterly frustrating at times, and I can't help but thing "if only this would come faster..." I can't wait for the real job. Making real money. Being able to further myself by paying off old debts ( those god awful credit cards mann) and finally saving for myself. I'm awfully proud of myself now though. I'm able to keep up with my current bills while still having maybe twenty extra bucks. So your saying to yourself like "wow, a whole twenty extra spending bucks" but you know what. Its an accomplishment unto myself.

I'm going to officially start back up at the gym again. I need the energy. Its just an issue trying to find the time. Now, apparently though, my gym is open twenty-four hours, which works if I ever have this case where, "I can't sleep!" which I'm having now. I've already taken my malatonin, and Its starting to kick in, but unfortunately now I'm on a rant and can't seem to take myself away from it. Go figure.

Jessie and I are great. Well, as great as we can be after him moving back into his parent's house. Which is a good thing. He needs to save up money. His dad can help me keep an eye on him with making sure he takes care of things. I am just in this awkward adjustment period. No more sleep overs, doing-it time is posing an issue... in the sense that I dunno when we're actually going to get to "do it," and our over-all sense of privacy is pretty much gone. But like I mentioned early... "adjustment period." And I'm happy to say after the first twenty-four hours, Im still dealing with it.

He jokes around saying things like "don't worry babe, I'm not dumping you until after may, so any problems that come up we're obviously going to work through and solve!" Which is great to hear from him. I'm happy to know he's so optimistic about our relationship standing the test of strain recently put onto it. I am not as negative as he thinks I am. Especially because I don't want to give anyone the benefit of the doubt to being right about how things are going to so drastically change. I'm keeping my head high, because I know there are millions just waiting for me to fall.

Its scary how in a week we've been together for five months. Granted, thats not a whole lot of time. But in the long run its a pretty influential time. We're still learning each other, still figuring out what buttons we can push and how hard to push them, we're still learning how much of each other we can handle before we really need a break. Its an awesome thing, being able to have serious conversations with him at night before we go to sleep. It just sucks that these conversations will always be on the phone now, instead of in person, in bed, in each-other's arms.

But enough of that sappiness. I'll save that for my own good time. Back to cleaning up. I found my old diary/journal deal. I love how I write in it every time I do a clean sweep and kind of update myself of how life has been. I do love rereading old entries though. Sometimes it makes me think of how stupid I could have been to write some of the things I did, and at other times it helps me relive awesome memories. It brings me back to that awkward time in high school where I wrote within this journal almost every day. I felt good, felt alive, to bring my works out in print. Putting the thoughts that ran through my mind somewhere were someone else had the possibility of reading it, no matter who they were, was an amazing factor for me. Even if no-one ever reads this thing again, (except I know you will Ms. Rachel!) i feel a sense of security in making my thoughts known. If that sounds weird, it's because it most likely is. But I can conquer a weirdness with the fact that, once your thoughts are officially in print, it makes them real. Once they're real people can take you seriously, for your thoughts fuel your dreams, and your dreams are you success. For every success you create, you guarantee yourself that much more happiness throughout your life time. Even if a success is as simple as eating a new food, making it to the gym three times a week, or helping a total stranger with a mindless task; it gets you somewhere. And that somewhere, I've decided, is where I want to be.

G'night to all you suckers out there. Suckers who read into my thoughts, and try to understand my mind.
Hell, then at least one of us would understand. HA.
♥

EDIT: I just reread some entries to this journal. I must admit, it's amazing how negative of a person I really was on the inside when I was alone. Its a scary thought that from meeting Jessie I changed myself around. I'm more positive. Its scary;; that falling in love with someone can change you, and the way you think, THAT much.
♥

I had a moment;; and this is what I came up with.

2007-08-28T19:30:32Z

You know, everyone talks about that change in themselves. The point were we’re supposed to go on this whole ‘finding yourself’ adventure. I always thought that people exaggerated how they felt going through it, but I had a moment; and I’m beginning to understand it.

In the back of my mind I noticed the fact I was changing things. About myself, the way I think && feel, and how I deal with other things. I’ve been known to on occasion get mad at myself and say I’m going to change this or that, and I don’t think it really happened like it should.

Sunday we were at the bar after the softball game like usual. My boyfriend’s friend and I were playing pool and talking when he started asking me random, yet totally normal questions. Just about who I was, what I wanted to do with my life, how things have changed in the last few months with everything going on. It was that point that triggered my “moment” and I realized I was one of those doing a lot of ‘changing.’

Doing things for myself, like joining weight watchers or the gym were just the beginning. Taking on more responsibility like additional credit cards, or other monthly payments. I feel like I’m doing too much and wearing myself too thin. But at the same time, I’m trying to teach myself to make it work.

Just a few months ago I was a lost cause. School wasn’t working out and all my plans were exploding in my face. I didn’t know what I wanted to do, or where to turn. But that eventually changed. New school, new plan. I have to say I’m grateful for being able to go to school and still work the schedule I do. My manager is amazing in that respect. But when I can finally leave Brian’s, that day will be a weight lifted off my shoulders. New Job, New beginning.

I grew up a lot this summer. Took on lots of responsibility… new challenges, different beginnings. It’s been a long ride that seemed to pass by too fast. I’ve mad decisions on a whim that I don’t regret. My opinions about specific people have changed dramatically, and maybe letting go was finally for the better.

The finalizing of my “moment” came on the ride home back to my house later that night. Jessie and I were pretending to argue about a song when I made a smart ass remark. All he did was put up his center console, put his arm around the chair and drag me towards him. Says this is why he loves trucks && kisses me on my head while he drives me home with his arm around me.

At that point I decided:: I like where my “changing” and my “finding myself” is leading. I like the feeling when I do to bed, the accomplishment I feel when the day is done, and being able to wake up in the morning not being a complete bitch.

Basically. Who woulda guessed? I don’t think we really realize where our “changing” is going to lead us until we’re already there. But I can tell that I, as an individual, have drastically changed since just last year. And I like it.

♥♥

xosplatox @ 2006-11-21T13:57:00

2006-11-21T13:57:47Z

so bleh.
best few weekends lately.
all thats to [[ the gang ]] who provides free entertainment to my life.

xmas party for owrk soon. franks going with me.

and i have a crush on ~~joe~~.

this blows.
gonna go watch more movies in english class.
♥

xosplatox @ 2006-11-09T04:50:00

2006-11-09T04:50:11Z

another one of those moods.
my head hurts.
i feel like poop.

this is not great.
i finally showed up for class.
im so far behind its just not funny anymore.

i really hope the slump clears up after this weekend.
this weekend should rock.
OH BOY does this slump need to go.

its so bad. i fucking left work early.
i NEVER do that?

i need manlyy attention. and a back rub.
whos in?
♥

one word ::

2006-11-08T01:24:39Z

UGHHHHHHHHH

this blows.
schools blows.
picking new classes blows.
i havent gone to school in a week.

went and rode the ponies with stephipoo today instad. it was tooooooo nice out.
thursday. brian talked me outta not going.
and yesterday i had this wonderfully ANNOYING appt for my thumb.
gehh.
enough said,

someone shooooot me.
and i left work early.
yet again.
cuz i dont wanna be there anymore.
i gets ick every time igo.
pshht. bullshit i tell you. bullshit.

the myspace sexstalkers are getting annoying tooo.
psdhht again.
♥

xosplatox @ 2006-11-03T04:26:00

2006-11-03T04:26:57Z

this week royally sucked.

[[ halloween was pretty sweet though ]]

they psycic i talk to keeps hinting at a relationship i keep trying to talk myself out of. and then she tells me she "notices some resitence from my side" ha. go figure.

creeeeeeepy.

btw, i broke my fucking thumb. left one. this is bullshit. who ever knew you actually needed a left thumb.

ughhh.
I sitll love my pony.
and im jelous of brian.
well, steph actually.
and a little of francine at the moment.
shes on a date
with a dave.
whos rather cute.
and an asshole.

so i guess all in all, im not really jelouse of her.
ha
g'night suckers.
♥